Category: Blog

Obviously, Fake Top 5 Most Shocking Moments in Music History

5. When Ozzy Osborne ate an entire horse on stage 

The undisputed king of classic doom has been relegated to docile geriatrics as of late.  Following his exploration into reality TV at the turn of the millenium, Osborne has become somewhat of a parody of himself with his cartoonish antics and increasingly unintelligible ramblings.  That being said, it’s crucial to remember Osborne as an absolute legend of classic rock. As he popularized playful occultism, sludgy romantic doom, or just general head banging goodness, Ozzy was a key player in transforming rock into a liberated art form.  Nowhere is this more clear than the infamous occasion wherein Osborne participated in a horrifically graphic equine feast. While on a solo tour after leaving Sabbath, the band was halted mid-set by their leader; Osborne first looked out into the audience in silence before finally opening his lips.  “Bring her outttttttt!” he screamed as Randy Rhoades and company scrambled backstage before bringing out, well, you guessed it. A giant horse. For the next three hours, the audience stood stark horrified as Osborne slowly sliced through the beast and consumed it piece by piece, blood dribbling down his chin and onto innocent concert attendees who just wanted some good-down-to-earth-metal-music-itellyawhat.  The show was, of course, cut short as Osborne proceeded to shit himself and die after eating so much raw horse meat. Classic Ozzy, he’s quite a clown, huh? 

4. When Mick Jagger Didn’t Die 

How is this guy still alive? Like, I don’t wish ill on him.  But it seems like a natural violation that the Rolling Stones are still a thing.  I’m pretty sure him and his bosom buddy Richards have done it all: smoked poo skeletons, injected specially radioactive gas poison, writhed around in the River Styx while occasionally shouting “yeah baybay” to each other as their tight leather pants grazed death water. It doesn’t matter, I guess, though. 

3. When Billie Idol Invented Punk Rock 

When the words “poonk rok” first creep past your ears with their spindly digits, the first images that pop into your whimsical head may be of dingy clubs occupied by New York’s darling quartet of hideous grandmas, but they, sadly, were posers.  Wha…? Posers? Posing as whom? Iggy Pop? Nope. The MC5? Nope. Lou Reed?! Nope again. See, they were actually following what could essentially be distilled down to an elaborate marketing campaign designed by one Billie Idol. Idol, originally a marketing consultant for Viacom, spent years researching what could set off what he identified as a powderkeg of untapped teenage angst. Several years of looking at graphs, gathering disgruntled testimony, and co-opting avant-garde aestheticism into white-consumerism later, Idol emerged with the hit single “White Wedding” which fundamentally altered the course of music history.  Idol would go on to enjoy a long and successful career as punk’s most vital contributor, eventually giving birth to two sons: Henry Rollins and Ian Mackaye. 

2.  When The Beatles Headlined Woodstock

Imagine this, Woodstock has already been going on for nine-days, your one pair of super hip homemade jean shorts have been absolutely soiled by mud and human feces, and the acid jell-o isn’t enough to keep you going.  It’s about time to leave, the sun is rising, but wait. There’s one more act. Who could it be? You think, lids nearly crusted over from sleep and probably a little pinkeye too, the headliner has been kept a secret from us this whole time.  Who is it who is going to come out and end the show. Also, this was New Year’s Day 1970. Then, you see it, a lanky figure with a severely unbrushed beard begins making his way towards the stage. Sunlight is still soft, you can’t see exactly who it is but the anticipation is beating against the inside of your head as another figure steps forward.  This time, it’s a greasy guy with no shoes and a round face who is tailed by a guy with an impressive mustache wearing like robes and then another guy. Of course, it was the Fab Four appearing to close out both the now-legendary music festival and the 1960s as a whole. Who could forget their classic renditions of “Hey Jude”, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, “Octopus Garden”, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road”, or Ringo’s fifteen minute drum solo rendition of the National Anthem.  You had to be there, man. 

1.  When the guy from Def Leppard Grew An Extra Arm to Drum Harder 

Deep in the bowels of 1985, Def Leppard was perched gracefully upon international charts and drew tens of thousands of rabid fans who were interested in seeing what was, simply put, the worst band of all time. During one of their famously shitty performances which drew attention from Rolling Stone writers who were baffled at the sheer magnitude of their diarrheal soundscarpes, drummer Rick Allen began to sweat profusely as shapes began to appear in underneath the skin of his sweat-drenched chest.  Audience members wretched as the shapes began to take more tangible figures and it became clear that what was being formed was none other than a horrible bundle of fingers. Fountains of bile streamed down the floor of the jam-packed stadium as the fingers flailed helplessly into the air as they were painfully pushed out of the now swollen and putrid body which housed them. Eventually, the arm was fully generated, picked up a drum stick, and laid down the worst drum solo of all time.

– Cliff Jenkins