Top 5 Class Rock Bands
I get it, it’s exhausting listening to the most cutting edge music 24/7 on two simultaneously spinning student-run radio stations. Sometimes you just gotta throw on some 100.7 and let your brain mush take in the vibes of a land long gone to the passage of time. But we can’t forget that these bands and musicians are our forefathers, and that they deserve the utmost respect from the new guard of…ahem…coolness. For this reason we’ll be going back in time today to take a look at the most essential bands that ever existed and fully analyzing what about them made their impact so durable.
5. The Rolling Stones
Formed in 1945 by best friends Mike Jagger and Keith Richmond, the Rolling Stones became a virtual overnight success due to being an anomalous sexy band from England. Their 1984 single “Miss You” put the band on the map with its sexy combination of sexy guitar, sexy vocals, and sexy drums. Around this time Mike, who had reached an emotional pitfall due to his drug use, underwent a special therapy where all of his blood was replaced with more sexy blood. Following the procedure, Mike’s sexy levels were so high that the United States government (still being led by President Richard Nixon) barred the Rolling Stones from entering the country. To combat the low album sales that naturally follow being left out of the American music market, Mike Jagger and Keith Richmond went undercover in the CIA for over thirty years to destroy the system from the inside, accidentally setting forth a series of convoluted events which ultimately led to Donald Trump being elected president. To retaliate, the CIA was ordered to murder one of Mike’s closest friends: David Bowie, which was then framed to look like illness. In an unprecedented deal with the U.S. Department of Justice, the Rolling Stones were spared capital punishment on the condition that they tour forever until they die.
4. The Beach Boys
Oh boy, where to even start with the Beach Boys. Well to begin with a little fun fact that few people know, the band’s name is actually derived from the surname of all of its members: Bechbou. Emigrating from Germany in 1890, the Bechbou clan first established itself in Des Moines, Iowa as a circus act consisting of 15 identical children singing the same note so loudly that they would begin to hover six inches above the ground. This was not a good idea. Frightened Iowans exiled the Bechbous from Des Moines and the family had no choice but to wander the Midwest until they reached a promised golden paradise: California. By no means was the trek easy. Though in 1932 the Bechbous had reached Los Angeles, half of the children had died by means of natural disaster or cannibalism. Now a disgraced, broken clan, each of the Bechbou boys had ten more identical boys who they subsequently trained to be even better circus performers as themselves. Twenty died during the brutally strict singing regiment. Still, this left 50 members, most notable among them being Huey, Louis, Dewey, and Charles Manson. Renaming themselves to the more anglican “Beach Boys” the band erupted in the West Coast American rock scene after the release of their 1975 album “Rumors”. However, their bitter rival, the Beatles, figured out that, due to the band’s insane musical training for their entire childhood, they could be activated as super soldiers if the right song was played for them. Needless to say, 1980’s “Helter Skelter” ripped the band apart. Charles Manson was the first to be activated, turning into a high powered psychopath while Huey, the band’s leader, went bananas.
3. The Beatles
Possibly the most famous band of all time, the Beatles were formed in 1989 by spirit brothers John Legend and Rob McDonald. Both being from recently divorced parents, the duo began their career with busking on the streets of their hometown: Seattle. In a time where Michael Jackson was ruling the Billboard Hot 100 with a bedazzled fist, the Beatles were dead set on dismantling popular music in its entirety. At first, the King of Pop didn’t pay much attention to Legend and McDonald. However, as spray-starched hair began to fall out of fashion with a youth obsessed with being disaffected, the freshly-born MTV recognized extreme potential in Lennon and McCartneys supremely unkempt chic. After releasing 1991’s “Revolver” to critical acclaim, Legend grew noticeably distant from his musical partner. Walling himself in his Northwest fortress which he custom built to look like a medieval castle, he and his new wife, Joan Jett, notoriously indulged in month long benders while recording unlistenable noise soundscapes. In early 1993, at the pit of this illness and while the Beatles had taken an indefinite touring hiatus due to hysterical crowds, McDonald was forced to slap Legend several times in the face and subsequently bring about his sobriety. With a full functioning creative engine again in place, the Beatles recorded their sophomore record “Under the Bridge” during the Fall of 1993 and began plans for a world tour the following year. Sadly, these plans were never actualized. In the Winter of 1994, Michael Jackson silently moonwalked into Legend’s ridiculous cartoon castle house while he was sleeping and bludgeoned him to death in his sleep. Though McDonald continued on to a profoundly successful solo career which still thrives today, the story of The Beatles is one which undoubtedly ends in tragedy.
2. AC/DC
We all know AC/DC as the vessel by which rock and roll most quickly enters our bloodstream. But what I bet you didn’t know is that AC/DC is actually just five dogs sloppily dressed up as people.
1. The Beatles Again
I’m so sorry. I forgot to mention Sgt. Peppers. When I first heard Sgt. Peppers, I punched my own mother in the face because I didn’t know how to react. The minute the soundwaves emanating from “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” stroked my face the spongy material in my brain signaled me to go full force berserk mode. I ripped through my shirt and first two layers of epidermis, I drove my car into a wall, I burned off my own foot with a flamethrower because it was the best music I had ever heard in my life. As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I was struck by maddening inspiration. Formulas, formulas, formulas, and Bam! I had invented the time machine. I traveled back to the days of Mozart and sliced his head off with a machete. How dare he try and remove the crown of best musician from atop the collective mop-topped heads of the Beatles. This man has never come close to writing the majesty that is and was “A Day in the Life” and he should be ashamed to ever even venture into the territory of musicianship. I will call the police on any person who does not get the album cover of “Sgt. Peppers” tattooed on their chest.
